Blessed Be Your Name

As a follow-up to Ryan's post A Tale of Three Ultrasounds, I never really worried about a miscarriage with this 3rd pregnancy.  I did a lot with the first and plenty with the second, but this time my excitement and we've-done-this-before attitude took over.  

I was humbled.  We haven't done this before.  We had not parented this child, and there were plenty of new lessons to learn and graces to be received through this tiny child - even if they weren't the ones we were hoping for.

There was a long wait between when we found out that the baby was no longer living to when I actually "miscarried" - almost as long as we'd known I was pregnant.  This was a difficult time because it felt like we were simply stuck.  Praying for a miracle and hoping to "move on" left us with an incredible flood of emotions.

At some point during this time I was driving in the van with the boys and a song started playing on the CD player.  [A side note:  Ryan vaguely remembers randomly adding this song to the end of a Gregorian Chant CD he burned for our 6-CD changer before leaving for our road trip to the Midwest earlier in the summer.  He has no idea why he added it, other than a prompting of the Holy Spirit.]  

The song was "Blessed be Your Name" by Matt Redman, sung by Tree 63, and it opened the floodgates and I opened my eyes.  It is beautiful, and if you haven't heard it, stop reading and go listen now.  As I listened to the lyrics, I could feel my eyes begin to sting and then when the chorus began it was over.

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name

You give and take away
You give and take away

Yet in my heart I choose to say
Blessed be your name

That was it.  God does give and take away.  We don't have to understand it or even like it, but He does the best by us, on His terms, not ours.  All we can do is be firm in our faith, whether "streams of abundance flow" or "I'm found in the desert place".  It came to me at this moment that I had a choice, but it wasn't really a choice at all.

I believe in God.  I truly believe His plan is the best one for me and in the end His name is blessed and I am so grateful for that.  It still isn't easy.  Our desire for more children is strong and emotions are hard to fight back  We pray daily for the blessing of another child and hope this will be God's plan for us as well.  He calls the shots, but it's okay to provide some input.  :)

Yet, regardless of what happens, we have received a wonderful grace through our Vianney Marie.  That is the ability to say, "Blessed be your name, Lord, now and forever."


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